HE BRO CODE
Rules and Codes of Conduct that EVERY Bro should KNOW and will adhere at ALL TIMES:
-- If a Bro is on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possibly to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporarily immigrating to a foreign country.
-- Mom of a Bro is always off limits. Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [NOTE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
-- Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
-- If a Bro suffers pain from a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary – deserved or not – regarding said lady friend for a period of three months.
-- A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.
-- A Bro must provide his bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
-- In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high five, the first bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
-- A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro of an impending or ongoing girl fight in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.
-- In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo shall determine the outcome.
-- A Bro shall honor his father and mother.
-- Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother. (NOTE: If said girl's wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother has a NET weight equal to one and a half [1.5] times the combined weight of both Bros or exceeds 880 kgs / 400 lbs, then a Bro must be compensated with either monetary or non-monetray means that is equal to the amount of humilation that is to be shoulder by the supporting Bro. If no compensation is presented, then a Bro may relieve himself of his duties citing the violation of the "Bros before hoes" article under the pretext of gross neglegance. Unless of course an exchange of favors is owed between Bros, then which such favor must be accepted and maybe classified as a non-monetary form of compensation. )
-- One Bro makes a solo chick attack.
A second Bro provides a crutch.
A third Bro rounds out the pack.
But a fourth Bro is one too much.
-- If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
-- A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro / chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
-- A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it’s cool.
-- A Bro shall, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection. In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself whereby which Bro vows to "finish as quickly as possible"], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.
-- A Bro shalt at all times say yes.
-- A Bro shall never "cock block" another Bro intentionally. However, if a Bro did not call dibs on the girl in the presence of the accused Bro or the Bro was unaware, then the cock block shall be deemed as unintentional and the accusations will be dropped. It is the responsibility of a Bro to pass on the information of a pre-established dibs to a Bro that is currently unaware. so as to avoid/prevent a cock block.
-- Thou shalt not make make eye contact during a Devil’s Three-way.
-- Unless explicit permission is granted by a Bro, thou shalt not sleep with your Bro’s ex-girlfriend. And There are no exceptions or excuses a Bro can make to justify going behind a fellow Bro's back.
The Golden Rule
-- Bro's before hoes. Always.
