she.

I've got this overwhelming need to want to make all your dreams come true.

And i would, in a heartbeat.

50 reasons people have sex.

01 - because you cant get to sleep
02 - makeup sex
03 - breakup sex
04 - your friend told you about a new position
05 - revenge
06 - rebound
07 - paratrooping / banging for roof
08 - nothing good on TV
09 - because you're in a hotel
10 - curiosity
11 - its raining
12 - its half time
13 - diet/exercise
14 - celebrating recent weight loss
15 - to kill time
16 - prom night
17 - you're already at their place and you don't want to move your car
18 - show off new lingerie
19 - celebrate major victory by your favorite team and/or political candidate
20 - your chance to do it in a specific location (ie: airplane bathroom, stairwell, movie theater)
21 - to prove you're not in a rut
22 - stress relief
23 - just shaved legs
24 - forgot to buy a birthday present
25 - "lets get it on" by Marvin Gaye is playing on the radio
26 - celebrating the joy of life after a near-death experience
27 - you're one chance with a celebrity
28 - because your'e too drunk to drive
29 - to avoid cleaning, studying, or doing work of any kind
30 - she wants to
31 - its cold outside
32 - cheer someone up
33 - you're in the back seat of a chevy
34 - your roommate is out of town and you can do it on the couch
35 - some very protected sex to celebrate the fact that i'm not/you're not/we're not pregnant
36 - practice
37 - they have air conditioning and you don't
38 - because he/she is from one of the countries you haven't sex with a person from yet
39 - "Damn your calves look good in those cargo shorts"
40 - called/texted the wrong person but she was into it anyway
41 - because she looks like your super hot cousin and this is the closest it'll ever get to being okay
42 - breaking in a new apartment
43 - because he said he loves you and you're not ready to say it back yet
44 - wingman diving on the friend grenade
45 - your condoms are about to expire
46 - "its getting a little hard"
47 - miscommunication
48 - to reinforce good behavior
49 - to change the subject
50 - love <3>

I should be keeping this to myself but...

I'm a little confused.
I don't know why I am.
I usually know what I want.
But this time...
For some reason it's complicated.
I'm stuck between my emotions and my obligations.
I really want to say something.
I really want to be the one.
But desire should never negate priorities.
Hence the predicament.

Fuck, I used to be good at this kind of situation.
An expert at weighing the pros and cons and making the right choice.
Now not so much.

Fuck it, I'll drive.

I'm with her because I'm afraid to be alone. It's the honest truth, I really am. My last relationship really messed me up. The kind that seriously makes you question your self-worth, but totally not in that emo "I fucking hate my life" way. Just the "What the fuck did i do wrong this time??" way. That's why I jumped head first into a string of drunken one night stands for instant, yet empty, gratification; chased after a girl with no end result except for the feeling of having just run in circles for a couple of months like I was dog chasing my own tail; and now being with someone who failed to mention a while back that she had gotten back with her boyfriend while we were still together.

I know I don't trust her anymore, and probably never will. And I know nothing good will come of this but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the attention and much needed affection I get from her, no matter if it's temporary. And it doesn't involve much trust. The point is that I'm having a great time, just being care-free and enjoying myself. And then when it ends, it ends. But until then, don't mind me when I disappear for days at a time. It's just me trying to find myself again, somewhere in between the sheets with her, lip-locked and all that jazz, and in between all the fine lines and fine cautionary print you find at the bottom of the contract you sign when you sell your soul to the devil. I'm figuring out who I am with my ex out of the big romantic abstract picture that is my jumbled up love life. It's like if Pablo Picasso tried to paint the notion of love during his cubism period (If you dont know what that means, then look it up, lol). And if all this soul searching ive been doing and plan to keep doing involves a lot of hot, premarital sex, then so be it. But it's not like we're into whips and chains or anything. That kind of S&M latex shit is reserved for couples and old married people. And THAT, involves a whole lot of trust. LMAO.