Ive got dreams to remember...

Love the otis redding intro.

her morning elegance...

idk but this fucking song has been stuck in my head for days...

So this is how it goes:

"You're young until you're not. You love until you dont. You try until you can. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath..."

this makes me laugh everytime

from the works of eebsofresh:

Wild and fresh

Sick beat via DJ Flow "In the Pocket (Rhodes & Moog Light Paint)"

In the Pocket (Rhodes and Moog Light Paint) from Ethan Goldhammer on Vimeo.

Reader Beware

I want to find and read a book that will change me for the rest of my life. One thats filled with pages, words, letters and ensuing concepts that will forever alter my perception, my thinking, and see the world in a whole different (or even in a new) light.

"Bike Scene"

I'll leave the lights down low
so she knows I mean business
And maybe we could talk this over
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...
So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
And you know very well
that I can't keep my hands to myself
I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can
This is all wrong and it shows
The certain things I promised not to let you know
You've got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat
But you're only counting the clock against the train
And I'm miserable
And you're just getting started
You've got me right where you want me
Let's never talk a bout this again because...
I didn't want it to mean that much to me anyway...

Beautiful People

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen...

musically inclined

Null and Void.

You never lose by loving.

You always lose by holding

back.

Over Kill

im hoping for that moment of self-realization.

what drunks call "the moment of clarity"

because im desperate to finally make mistakes

and make a mess of things.

but until then, ill keep flying under the radar.
trying to get by on as little sleep as possible.

as only people in my disposition do.

or know how to do.

'arrivederci amore mio'

Wandering

My hands always have a habit of wandering
Just like her mind, to thoughts that are rated R
Or like the sun across the sky from horizon to horizon

My fingers crawl across her warm skin...
I find her, inch by inch.
I close my eyes and use fresh memory of soft flesh under restricting attire
And the noises she makes

They never get old
Somewhere between the gasps and sighs we start shedding fabrics

Soon were buried deep under our own submissions.

Stripped down to our bare bodies...

Then insecurities start melting away

along with our inhibitions.

Now were down to our bare souls...

The last thing left is bliss
But thats never hard to find

It comes, and always comes.
With a liberal amount of sexual persuasion

Hey ya...

Didnt realize how sad of a song this is till its slowed down and sang in acoustic.

A PLAGUE, ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!!

Paris is always burning

Im to honest god im trying my hardest. But for some reason, no matter how hard i try i relapse and have to start all over again. Im leaving for somewhere that doesnt even remotely remind me of you. One of those instance where flying under the radar is essential for survival.

I wish i could love you like i used to

Love is only as complicated as we make it to be, its only as painful as we want it to be, and its only as amazing as we hope it to be.

Fresh to def

Neurosonics Audiomedical Labs Inc. from Chris Cairns on Vimeo.

over exertion

Life rarely gives you any kind of breathing room, especially of people in my disposition. So you fight and you take every inch you can get, and hold on has tight as possible. Because you might not get another chance at it. That tiny inch can mean the difference between a good day and a bad day...

INFJ

"Stand by me, oh stand by me and reminise about mistakes we made and mistakes we were afraid to make."

<3

A Rey Valera classic brought to you by Akil Dasan

Enjoy:

for the gullible in all of us

I think self-help books are a waste. All the advice, all that knowledge is good or only works for you in context. And when it's not applicable, then it just sits there in our minds, oversaturating us with useful yet irrelevant information. And that over abundance of uneeded information tends to make us use it in situations that they clearly don't belong to. But we force the information to fit, like eventually sticking a square peg through a round whole by sheer force, which deforms the peg, shaving off the corners that essentially made a square peg in the first place.

Now I have no quarrel with self-help books if they do happen to fit your situation, or give you the answers you need, but all that knowledge should be attained through experience, no matter how painful the process may be. Because that experience let's us know when and where to apply that said knowledge. Experience creates context, in which that vital phrase or rule or learned common sense about a subject becomes relatable and actually makes sense.

We, as a species, as part of the human condition, are always searching for the answers. But in that endless but necessary routine we tend to find answers that don't have a question. And for some reason we can't seem to part with that idea since having the answer without the question, sometimes, is almost as excruciating as not knowing the question to an answer. So please. Throw your self help books away because they take away from the phrase itself. Help yourself, and don't have others tell you how to do so. Only you can truly know yourself. Unless of course you're dealing with a mind reader/psychic. But that's whole other situation. Lol.

One of my favorite spoken word poets: Shihan

Monologue

One of the best ive ever heard...

-Rafael Casal

There is nothing worse then the first week of a break-up.

The first week of a break-up is like the first time guys have sex:

It's akward, boring, and we keep telling each other were doing it right and its a lie.

The first week of a break-up,

you're on my mind more then you ever were.

So I clean everything in my apartment,
clean my way into forgeting

but then I find things I couldnt when we were together:

Your shirt, your favorite CD, reasons that i liked you,

until my room reeks of your influence.

See, I keep wanting to invite you over

but Love can't live here anymore.

She might bring her children, Jealousy and Neglect.

Those two running around my crib, always breaking shit,

and I can't ever seem to clean up fast enough.

They tend to ruin romantic moments with questions and lies

and I can see their parents when I look into their eyes,

It's you and I.

Not sure when we had them but now their living in the next room,

always barging in talking about they having nightmares,

and can they sleep with us too.

Jealousy dreams about decieving, so that's what we do.

Live out each other's nightmares until were a bed full of problems,

and solvings not a option because solutions are few.

Neglect kicks me in bed talking about I dont love her like new and Jealousy,

I know I mustve have told her that, but both of them still look so much like you.

And I thought I'd be cool,

but I still see you on corners

and in stores

and in windows I'm passing.

And conversations

and phrases

and menus

and laughing

and traffic

and song after song that they play back.

I get no time to lay back, I cant take my day back.

A song unsung that yearns to be on my tongue called "Apology"

but i will not drop the key, Its not for me.

This is how it's got to be.

They say it takes twice as long to forget as it was to get to know someone.

So now Im sitting in my room talking about 6 days down, and 6 more years to go.

This is for all the women in the room who think that men dont burn.

That when it come to heartbreak it is never our turn.

It dont matter who or what is too blame.

Because in the first week after a break-up, alone, always feels the same.

illmatic

Dont watch, just listen

Songs "not" to make love to, but to fuck and fuck as much as possible to:

"Bad Habbits" - Maxwell

"Milk and Honey" - Goapele

"Slow Jams" - Tyler Woods

theres something about the Brits

Currently Streaming:

Okay i think theres just something about Bloc Party. lol.

soft shimmer

wide awake and feeling the twilight weighing down on my shoulders. how long do i play this charade? im practicing the finite dance of a firefly attracted to the captivity of the glass jar. it wont take much. just a slight of hand gesture and make the metal and glass kiss shut. and ill be yours to keep. by your bedside, or closer.

Fresh.

the worst thing about exes and past lovers is that they know you, so they know how to push your buttons even more... shenanigans.

for those of the romantic disposition

Notte Sento (English subtitles) from napdan on Vimeo.

"The way you're moving in your sleep, the way you look before you leap, the strange illusions that you keep, you don't know but I'm noticing..."

This Modern Love

"I'm desperately desperate to be desperately in love. I'd give anything for the feeling all over again. And I mean anything. I'd give all my worldly possesions. I'd give up every single word that comes out of my mouth as a sacrifice to whatever god or gods or diety that rules over the concept of love and the ability for the human form to be enamored by it and with a fellow human form. I'd betray my eyes and relinquish the possibility of ever seeing the stars again just for one moment of it. Because I know one moment of the warmth you feel deep down inside, that feeling of unequivicol bliss, would be enough to stretch and last till the end of time. I'd make myself a martyr in the name of love so long as I died in its presence. I'd give all this and anything else love would deem as a proper offering, because to live with the absence of it is the worst kind of torture for the soul."

I want it.

I would love to have sex with her. The kind where we break furniture and need a couple bottles of Gatorade kind of sex. The kind where the lust is so palpable, that you resort to having sex in the conference room at work, or the bathroom stall of a restaurant, or right then and there on the table in your foyer/hallway because you cant even wait to make it all the way to the bedroom to have it. The sex that people write about and the sex that people have yet to write about. The sex that makes you scream god's name during pure ectasy because you have to pay hommage to him for making it feel so damn good that it makes your toes curl. The kind of sex that has stopped or started many wars. Love itself isnt the only thing to blame for the downfall of countless civilizations. Love was an ingredient, but it wasnt a complete recipe without that lust and the promise of the most unbelievable sex one has ever had. There's a reason why sex is so taboo sometimes. Because it can feel so damn good that you almost feel guilty for even having it. Hence the term "guilty pleasure". Thats the kind of sex i want to have with her.

"You can speed it up, you can slow it down, you can even freeze a moment, but you cant rewind time. You cant undo whats been done..."

finally

im feeling free.

=]

Sex education

nobody on their deathbed looks back and says "i wish i had made love less."

so when stella came onto me again for the umpteenth time, i finally succumbed.

i met her earlier tonight at our usual spot.
and we had the same conversation like we always do.
we argued over the finer points of office politics

and compared differing philosophies on relationships and sex.
but there was something different mixed into the atmosphere we created in the dark confines of our leather clad booth.

the sexual tension was more palpable then usual.

we often keep the mood flirtatious and lite.
she knew i had my heart set on a particular girl back home.
it barely stopped her from coming onto me a couple of times.

but i always waved it off and deduced it down to her acting out over her ex boyfriend.

and i didnt want to just be another notch on her belt.

however, tonight was definitely different.
she giggled as her right hand slowly crept its way onto my lap
while i whispered my half of our conversations into her ear.

by end of the night we were drunk with laughter and fat with glee.

as we made our way towards our obvious destination i tried to rationalize it all.

maybe this is why god made women like stella.
she wasnt a slut, she was just the luscious voice of promiscuity.
and i was navigating her intense sense of sensuality.

so we made love.

but we didnt make love the way they do in the movies.

where the guy slides right between her legs like a hot knife through butter.

this was real life.

we made the kind of love where you just laugh together when your bodies make that farting noise when air gets trapped between you.

or when youve made it to the edge of the bed and you have to stop to make an akward shuffle back to the center, or just fall off of it altogether.

no, we didnt make cinema love.

but it definitely felt at that moment like everything was right in the world.
and i could articulate why sex is so great.
that feeling of that velvet axle grease makes you know youre on the correct path to that unimaginable bliss that people always talk about, sing about, write about, make movies about.

our transcended infusion was not of the romantic type.

there was no deep seriousness or any kind of cosmic connection
it was just, fun.

quando

i want to be free.

not with my head in the clouds.

or constantly falling...

i just want to finally hit the ground

and hit the ground running.

"I'm a sucker for Louis Jordan and his Tympany Five"

And cigar classics
And muted trumpets
And Bing Crosby and the Inkspots

"I'm not trying to set the world on fire, I'm just trying to light a flame in your heart, baby."

I swear I was born in the wrong era.
Can we please bring back slim grey suits, white pocket squares and no socks with loafers/wingtips instead of distressed designer jeans and generic TAP OUT shirts???
And classic lounge crooners.
And Gene Kelly and "Singing in the rain."
When love was still pure and not dilluted.
And divorce was actually still taboo and not at all mainstream.

And when i could enjoy jazz in clubs instead of a fucking starbucks with a $4 soy nonfat latte.
With golden age songs and the sweet voice of Mildred Bailey.
When being a gentleman was considered being a gentelman and not mistaken for being gay or a douch bag by my male peers.
When opening doors for women was a must and not considered being pussy whipped or being a pussy in general.

Lol I'm nostalgic about a time that existed before my parents were even born.

found this in a store on haight st.
everyone can appreciate the "truthiness"
lol.
enjoy.

romantic nonsense

how do i tell you that you im falling for you, when im not supposed to utter a single word of it? to say that even as cliche as it sounds, your face is the last thing i want to see before i drift off to sleep and the first thing i want see when i wake up in the morning. to say that when you speak, im all ears and i hang on your every word that you say like a dew drop on a flower in the early morning mist. to say that the thought of you, is the only thing that i want to think about all day. to say that you make me feel funny on the inside, but in a good way. that you make me nervous and that you make my palms sweat, and you make me frantically search for the right words to say every second that im with you. to say that im a verbal mess when we have a conversation, and that the simplest sentence spoken from my lips to your ears had my brain working in overdrive, breaking down and analyzing the sentence to its every word, to the definition of each word, to the very letters that compose the word just so that it comes out... just.. right. to say that i just want to pull you in close and kiss you and kiss you and kiss and call you mine... because im already yours. how do i say it all? without saying it at all??

25 random tidbits about me...

1) i can be a total dick sometimes

2) im never without my iphone. ever. ever ever ever ever ever. i may not answer it sometimes, but its always either in my pocket or within my immediate vicinity.

3) when im trying to think of something i tap the bride of nose repeatedly with my right index finger

4) i used to have power rangers bed sheets when i was a kid.

5) other then for work, i rarely use my email as a means of communication.

6) id rather txt you then call you

7) im easily startled, ask matt.

8) i have a thing for black women.

9) i laugh at almost EVERYTHING. it doesnt take much to make me laugh.

10) i used to play the trumpet.

11) i find big breast unattractive. i prefer A-B cups. a small selection of Cs. lol.

12) i have a tattoo of a nautical star right above the base of my penis

13) im afraid that one day ill lose my passion for photography.

14) i can only fall asleep if the room is pitch black and completely quiet.

15) i cant eat mushrooms. im not allergic, i just cant eat them.

16) as much as my friends think im a manwhore, i do believe in monogamy, when in a committed relationship of course. lol.

17) i have a fear of spiders, closed spaces, extreme heights, and deep bodies of water.

19) Ive broken both thumbs, fractured my ankle, broken my collar bone, and dislocated both shoulders.

20) my first relationship was with this girl named Kimberley. we were both 6 years old, and whenever our parents would pick us up and walk us home, we would hold hands.

21) i have the movies "high fidelity" and "fifth element" almost memorized

22) ive never ready ANY of the harry potter books. not one of them. and ive never watched the movies
either.

23) almost every single girl ive ever dated and probably will date have been or will be taller then me. and i have absolutely no qualms about that. haha.

24) i used to be really emo and wear eyeliner. gay. lol.

25) as much as i like to go out and party it up, im actually a homebody. id rather stay in and cook dinner and watch High Fidelity for the umpteenth time then be at the VIP room of a ritzy club.